So I've had a rough couple of weeks due to my neuropathy. My mobility has been greatly reduced. Getting around the house is ok. It's anything outside that's been rough. Groceries have suffered for example. It's why I haven't posted much on the blog, though I've written a few I didn't post because I found I was a little bitter and the posts weren't the spirit I wanted to convey.
I broke down and took painkillers last night. I can't even put into words how good I felt. My GI issues make taking painkillers a tricky thing. I get very ill if I take to many in a certain time frame. I try to limit myself to one pill a week. Last night I popped two.
I almost danced. Almost. I couldn't feel the pain but knew that if I danced I'd sure feel it today. It wasn't the narcotic effect of the pills. It was the freedom from the pain of my neuropathy. The fact that I could barely feel the ulcers on my hands or buttocks.
When I woke up today I found I was in much better spirits. I had actually slept 8 hours straight without waking up from pain. Yeah all the pain was back but it was easier to handle. I felt reinvigorated. Ready to face the day and deal with whatevers thrown at me by life or my disease.
I have really come to appreciate the silver lining of painkillers. A lot of people think its the narcotic. It's not. I barely get a narcotic effect from them anymore. It's hard to understand if you're not in pain everyday. It's the release from the crushing weight of compensating for the pain. I've stated my pain isn't very bad. It isn't. I get almost no escape from it though. That is what can be hard.
When I can go to the bathroom and not be in pain just from the simple act of opening my pants it's amazing. When I can watch an hour long tv show and not have to stop twice to deal with a quick but intense wave of pain running from my foot to the middle of my back. Just to be able to enjoy a few hours of life and feel somewhat normal does wonders for my spirit.
It's almost like a curtain gets pulled back and the light comes shining in again. I have more energy to get things done around the house. I want to talk to people. I want to live. That's the key I think. When I get a relief from pain it lifts the weight of isolation that pain can slowly make you sink into. I hadn't even realized I had been cutting myself off over the last couple of weeks until this morning. I can think clearly today and realized I had been ignoring phone calls and emails etc. It wasn't due to not wanting to talk or see anyone. It was me trying not to hurt those around me by lashing out in frustration at them when it wasn't something they were even aware of.
I feel rested and refreshed both physically and mentally. My GI issues make addiction a non issue, I'll get violently ill long before I ever get addicted. I can't drink for the same reason. Throw in a little marijuana with my painkillers and it really does feel like I get a new lease when I wake up the next day. Enjoy the breaks you get. Look for the silver linings. Find what refreshes you and embrace it when you can.
I've had people say that it's an escape much like an addict does. Wrong! I use marijuana yes but hey how often do you drink? I can't. Imagine life with no escape. Then throw in daily pain. Maybe it is an escape somewhat. I look at it more as a vacation. A vacation from pain. You wake up from a hangover and moan and say I'll never do that again. I wake up and have a new lease on life and the idea of another painkiller or more marijuana doesn't even enter my head. I feel good sober. Better then when I'm on painkillers and marijuana. I escape my pain to come back in a new light, refreshed.
I'm not saying this will work for everyone or even anyone other then myself. It's the silver lining I want to point out. Find what can refresh you. If its something you can control, learn to appreciate the buildup to it. If it makes you happy. Gives you a release. Renews or invigorates you. Screw what anyone else says. Do it and enjoy it. You deserve it!
Now I'm going to enjoy a nice coffee on the balcony. It's almost 15 degrees in March. Talk about a silver lining. No raynauds. Beautiful day. Rested and refreshed. TGIF!
Scleroguy
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