Sometimes we lose. Why not turn it into a win or a draw? Let me clarify. I went to bed the night before last with many great dreams and plans for the next day. Do some housecleaning, go out to eat, write an article, phone some friends and hit the pharmacy and grocery store. Then I woke up, rather, I was abruptly woken from a peaceful sleep by a shooting pain in my left elbow. Well shit! I knew that feeling. Just tore open the ulcer on my elbow when I rolled over and my sweater snagged a hook on the ulcer. Meh. Not to bad I thought. No more sleeping but the pain should be manageable. Don't even think I'll need a painkiller. Then I got up and started the morning routine. Owww! Wtf!? Yup I just tore open the ulcer on my other elbow while changing. Hmmm ok. Didn't even know I had an ulcer on that elbow. I waited about 45 minutes before deciding to take a painkiller. Well, there goes today's plans. Fuck.
All those wonderful plans I had are now ruined within the first hour of my being awake. Now granted it wasn't a glamorous day or anything really important thankfully but it still sucks when you try to live normally and before your day has even started your illness has ripped it away.
On days like this, one of my coping techniques is to embrace the forced rest. When my elbow ulcers come off, my arms essentially lock straight for 8 hrs. Personally I find elbow ulcers to be the most painful of any of the ulcers I suffer from. When I'm forced to deal with the pain I try to enjoy it as much as I can.
Not going out today because of the elbows, that's a given. Painkillers make it impossible for me to drive or think coherently enough to deal with public transit (not to mention the crowds and jostling that goes hand in hand with public transit)
Screw it! I'm taking the day off. I picked a couple of movies to watch. Picked a few iPad games I could play without having to bend my elbows. Took a second painkiller and rolled a joint. I popped in a movie, smoked my joint and sat watching my movie thoroughly enjoying the mind and body numbing. Our bodies don't work leaving our minds to go 100/mph. Sometimes it's nice to let the mind shut down to. Just let all the cares wash away.
I mentioned rolling a joint. I'm a proud user of marijuana both socially and medicinally. My system can't handle alcohol due to all the GI issues scleroderma has caused. I use marijuana as a normal person does alcohol. In this case it was for both physical and mental pain. On its own I find marijuana doesn't help much for pain beyond the daily aches and pains. Anything severe, such as a torn open ulcer, requires a painkiller. When combined with a painkiller it a.) allows the painkiller to work with a smaller dosage, meaning one painkiller per day instead of 3-4 and b.) allows for a mental day off. I don't think about my illness or even the pain I'm in (this depends on the severity of the pain obviously) I enjoy the feeling of my body not having pain.
Because of our illness some of our automatic coping techniques, the ones we don't even realize we do, can cause more aches and pains. An example, I have a small ulcer on my foot. I don't even think about it %99 of the time however my walk is altered slightly by it. This leads to minor aches and pains in my legs and back. Nothing compared to scleroderma pain but it's their nonetheless. Painkillers and marijuana get rid of the pains completely. I can't even put into words how good that feels. No pain. No worries. One whole day to do nothing. Relax. Nap. Doze. Stare blankly at the wall. A day off from the disease almost. The next day is a new start to everything if you handle your low points well.
We don't always win the fight. However we don't always lose either. Sometimes we have to compromise and call it a draw between the disease and a normal life. I hate the cliche saying of when life hands you lemons make lemonade but it does seem appropriate here. I have learned to embrace the dark to see the light on the other side. Every hurdle we're given is another victory for us if we learn to face it properly.
Scleroguy
P.S. I plan on writing a couple of articles about marijuana and scleroderma. It's a topic that can't be covered in just a few paragraphs. If you decide to do as I've done please be careful. Painkillers and marijuana are both depressants and slow your system down. I have been smoking marijuana almost daily for almost 20 years. What I'm able to handle others might not. I personally will only smoke a joint if I've take 2 or less painkillers. Anything more slows me down to a level that feels wrong. As a reference I'm prescribed oxycocet or in street terms I'm prescribed Percs aka Percocet.
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